The Fine Print of Being Unloved

Any of us who are lucky enough have had someone in our lives (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, etc.) tell us we are good, beautiful, talented, special, or something. However, those of us who have been living in this world without rose-colored glasses on have long had to face the fact that not everyone is lucky and not everyone is loved. 

In "Ebony the Beloved" by Hannah Spivey, the main character, Ebony, was anything but loved. *somewhat of a spoiler alert* She was always told she was ugly, not smart, had nappy hair, dressed weird, etc. She was stripped of her self-esteem, first by her own family, then by her peers in school. There was no one to say she was special, smart, or loved.

She was bullied relentlessly in all areas of her life.  She tried to fade into the background and be “good,” but in the end, she ended up homeless and alone in the world.  We are reminded that kindness can come from the unlikeliest of places, as Ebony is taken in by a woman who works at her school.  Ebony is taken under the wing of the woman’s niece, a young woman who has a history of sexual violence and domestic abuse herself.

Through these new relationships, Ebony meets a famous song artist who looks, on the surface, like God’s answer to all of her problems.  Remember, Ebony has not been taught how to love and to be loved.  She doesn’t know how people are supposed to treat her.  In fact, at the age of 16, she has come to EXPECT to be mistreated.

This man turns out to be anything but God’s gift.  He wastes very little time in becoming possessive and cruel.  It was a short jump to his becoming sexually violent and extremely abusive.  Yet again in her life, Ebony became a victim and a prisoner at the hands of this man (a wolf in sheep’s clothing) and his mother.  It boggles the mind that people could be as cruel as depicted in this book.

Finally, however, Ebony decides to no longer be a victim, which she accomplishes in dramatic fashion by stabbing the guy to death after he raped her and violated her again and then burning the mother alive.

While extreme (think a cross between “Precious,” “For Colored Girls,” and whatever other movie is the cruelest you can think of), this book does highlight a number of issues that are very real.

1.       The cycle of abuse.  Where a child or person is exposed to abuse or subjected to abuse themselves, it shapes their thinking and emotions.  Often, it causes the person to put themselves in bad situations or to remain in bad situations because it is what they know and are familiar with.  This person would be vulnerable to continued abuse in their lives because they are more accepting of abuse.  It becomes a standard for them, whether consciously or unconsciously.  Most often, it is not conscious.  People often don’t acknowledge their abuse as a means of coping, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean it has not affected someone mentally and emotionally.

2.      Bad parenting.  This book took bad parenting to a whole new level; however, in less extremes, we see the same themes repeated all around us.  Parents who never have a positive thing to say to or about their children.  Treat their children as if they are the problem and a burden.  Put their own selfish hang-ups and problems on a child.  Have no consideration for a child’s emotional well-being because of the ill-conceived thought that the child is fine as long as s/he is fed and clothed.  I could go on.  Basically, bad parenting is the set up for long term failure for a child.  To overcome that foundation is difficult and doesn’t happen often.

3.      Perpetrators know how to spot the defenseless and vulnerable.  If you’ve ever wondered why a particular person always seems to be a victim, the answer is likely because, as past victims, they are vulnerable to those who would exploit that vulnerability.  Predators go for the perceived weak and defenseless.  Perpetrators of sexual violence, abuse, and neglect often feel a weakness within themselves and will lash out at someone in whom they see a weakness.  Knowing this, it shouldn't surprise us that perpetrators, often, were once victims themselves.

4. It takes strength of character and courage to decide to no longer be a victim.  While I don't condone murder, victims do have to slay whatever demon is keeping them from realizing true freedom and happiness.  This, more than anything, is what I hope a reader would take away from this book.  To go from victim to survivor takes, first, making the decision.

On Saturday, September 15, Bryan and I will be going over some of the more striking themes in
this book, speaking with the author, Hannah Spivey, about her thoughts and experience in writing
it, and speaking with Kelly Burkes, a victim advocate who has experience working with victims
of domestic violence and sexual abuse.  This is not a show to be missed, whether or not you've
read the book.  Your hosts will be taking on some hard realities in a way that only we can. 
Real talk and no B.S.!

Tune in!

Sety B.